riverdreamer

Yes I want to get bigger so I am not such a pathetic pencil neck.  Ya I have been working on it for five seasons now.

No, I died.

I have been working a lot a lot.  I did not know how exhausted I was until I slept for 13 hours last night.  13 hours!!!!!  That is like a new record for me.  I had 2 really bad nightmares during that time.  The first was your standard monster trying to get you dream.  I think I was being chased by a velociraptor from Jurassic Park.  It ended up running into a cage that I closed on it.  But it kept breaking parts off it that I was frantically trying to put back together.  Then my friend called me to a door and we ran out.  It wasn't too much later in the dream that we were out in a jungle kind of forgetting about the beast when he showed up and ate us yum.

The second one was your usually teeth falling out of your mouth dream but with my arm.  It started as a small hole on my hand.  As I kept inspecting it trying to find out just how bad it was, it kept getting worse spreading over different parts of my hand and arm.  I could see down into my hand that was hollow.  Then when I showed my dad he looked at it and just said.  We'll take you to the doctor tomorrow.  Then he went to look at it again and tore all of the skin off of my arm!!!!.  I frantically tried to put it back on, but no use.

Working out and drinking a crap load of water.  Then sleep.  Ahhh sleep.

So, my ex officially borrowed $50 from me today to pay the rent.  I guess that mr. fantastic had a little problem with his social security check.  Then afterward we had a nice hour long conversation over the phone.  This sucks.  My stupid niceness is going to cause me to be like.  Oh you can't stay there.  Come back here and let me take care of you. NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!  I am not doing it.......... Don't quote me on this. :(  Man, I am an idiot.

You are on your knees,  blindfolded, with the gun to your head. 
You don't really care. 
Just waiting in the dark. 
The inbox that is always empty. 
The phone that never rings. 
The people that talk but say nothing. 
Waiting for the chance that may never come. 
Waiting in the dark. 
And yet you wait. 
For how long will you wait? 
Does the patient one really gain more? 
Is the man with the gun there anymore? 
Was he ever there at all?
A different kind of pain.
A pain from the darkness.
Don't like this pain.
But you know that you must endure.
That is what will make you different.
That is what will make you noticed.
Then they will want you more that you want them.
And so you wait.
And the darkness is all that is.
Is everyone like this?
No, only you.
You are a freak.
You deserve to be in the dark.
This is your prison.
I hate you.

Have you found his mistress yet?  .......Hmmm, look harder.

I really hate beer still.  And alcohol all together.  And the drunk people that say they won't get mad if I don't want to drink anymore, but when that time comes they are to drunk to not get mad.  And when I stayed up like 3 hours past when I said I would to hang out with them, and I say I'm tired I'm going to bed, suddenly I'm trying to get out of drinking.  Then they go Oh yeah, we are doing this thing tomorrow if you want to come.  When?  We are leaving in a couple of hours.  No, if you try to wake me up in a couple of hours I will punch you.  This just makes them madder.  Really, they are good people.

Hell no.  Working out is the only form of self hatred that is not only accepted but is considered good to do.  What else can you do where you cause yourself so much pain and yell and scream vile things at yourself and people just go "good for him."  Things like that kind of make me mad.  You are upstairs water boarding yourself with your own sweat for over a year and still are not close to the results you want.  Then you come back down stairs and your friend is sitting on the couch eating potato chips with an electro thing working on his six pack.  Something just seems wrong in that equation.  But to each their own.

I want to try and post some of my dreams but by the time I get around to it I can't remember them any more.  But I can remember a good deal of this one.

It starts out with me and a girl fighting out side of a city.  We were not really fighting I don't think, that part is kind of faded.  Anyways she starts to get really weak and a man tells me that demons are attacking her and I have to get her to the well before she dies.  I don't really know where this is, but I have her get on my back and start running through the city.  I start feeling weak myself as walls crumble around us and the ground just collapse everywhere.  But I power through it and after a little while things get better.  Actually she says that I passed the place and we go back.  It is this area with portals all around with people coming and going through them.  I put her down and she tells me that she will be fine before disappearing.  I walk back all the way to the entrance of the town when someone runs up to me and tells me (unimportant name of army) is attacking the city and we must leave.  I say NO I won't leave (what ever her name was) behind.  He asks me how I will get to her in time as flashing is impossible here.  I tell him that I'll need to just run back.  But then I concentrate very hard on the place and assume that I "flash" there.  What ever that means.  I look up and there are massive portals in this area that ships are just flooding out of.  I start calling out her name and she appears.  I tell her that the town is under attack and we have to leave.  She has kind of a du attitude about it as the amount of ships in the air has gotten ridiculus.

Apparently I have lost my ability to "flash" as we run all of the way back to the entrance of the city.  There I talk to the man from before about what I am not sure.  As this happens the girls starts talking to this little robot that is there then suddenly colapses.  I run over to her and scoop her up as the three of us run off.

Flash forward.  I am riding this beast that can talk to me.  We have just killed something big.  We are going around from portal to portal looking for the woman.  Finally we come to a portal.  I touch it.  My mind floats through down corridors of soilders to a room with a desk.  At the desk sits a man in a robe.  I flash back to my body.  This is the one I proclaim to the beast.  Do not go he begs me.  Only betrayl waits for you there.  I tell him that I do not care that I must find her.

I go through the portal and fight my way through the soilders down the hallway to the room that I saw.  There is a robed person at the desk with their head down.  As I walk toward them they look up and it is the girl.  Surprised I sense someone behind me and turn to see the man that I had seen before.  I prepare to fight him when I here a shot and feel a sting in my back.  I turn to see the girl has gotten up and has just shot me.  She shoots me again and again until I fall to the floor.  And then some more on the floor for good measure.

A third man in robe enters the room.  They all proceed to take off their robes and are completely nude.  I won't go too into detail so this does not need to be adult content.  As they are in their three some the girl keeps looking at me and laughing.  The man from before looks at me and says You still don't get what it is all about do you.  You are so pathetic.

They have sex for a little while and I manage to wake up before the whole thing can evolve into a wet dream so I was happy about that.  But ultimately very story driven for a dream I liked it.

I am really starting to hate my days off.  Mainly I just sit around my house alone thinking about all of the things that I'm not getting done in my life.  You remember when you were a kid and you were sitting in school just waiting for the weekend so that you could just kick back and relax?  Well that is what work used to be like.  I used to be at work going one blank more hours left and then I get some time off.  Now I just don't care.  I am getting some things done.  My work out is going great, and I am still playing the drums.  But I can't work out and play the drums for two days strait.  It is hard to find a second job so that as long as I am bored anyway I could at least be making some money, because my hours are so irregular at my current job.  Idle hands.

My work out is going great if you are just looking at the numbers as to how much I can lift now.  But if your looking at what a sexy beast I am becoming it has been pretty much a failure.  How is it that a guy that goes to his attic four times a week and water boards himself with his own sweet for over a year, gets no comments about how well he is doing, and women actually start paying less attention to him than when he started.  Actually I think that I might have gonoria or something because that is how most women act around me now a days.  Yet a woman who has been dieting for the last six months and going for walks (she is now down 40lbs which is great) and every guy in the metro area has to tell her how well she is doing and hit on her.  I mean I'm not saying that I want an army of women coming after me, because I am doing good financially right now and it probably would be best if I didn't start spending alot of money going out on dates.  But I mean from what she tells me I have been putting in a ton more effort than her for a good deal more time and I am glad that she is getting all of this confidence from these people and keeping it up.  I am just waiting for my first real compliment that is not from my mom or someone that I have talked to about this.  Oh, who am I kidding I don't even think that my body is coming along well.  Fuckin shit

What???

This is it.  Here it is.  She just called me at 1 o clock in the morning to tell me that she dosn't love this guy even though he wants her to she loves me.  She claims that she is great with his kids and it is starting to make her think that she would want children some day.  But not with this guy she would want them with me.  She says that she was just running away from her feelings for me that is why she went out to see this guy and she was hoping that something could happen because they got along so well.  But she just can't get over me.  So she just wants me to try and think about all of this.  WANTS ME TO TRY TO THINK ABOUT ALL OF THIS!!!!!!  Oh I'm sure that it will be in the back of my mind.  Gaaaaahhhhhhhh I can't even type right now.  I'm never going to be able to get to sleep now.  What the hell am I going to do about this.  I still have so much real feelings for her.  But god what kind of idiot would I be if I took her back????????????  A huge idiot!!!!!!  I keep seeing that miril Vingi guy from the Matrix.  "This woman will be the death of me"

My ex called my twice the other night at two o clock in the morning.  Then sent me a bunch of text messages basically saying call me.  So the next day I did.  I have never gotten the crying call from the ex girl friend before telling me how it is not what they thought it would be, and they miss me and the house.  I didn't really say anything because I don't know what to say to her.  I mean as mad as I was when I would go to bed and she would be talking to him, and then I would wake up the next morning and she would still be talking to him like everyday.  I thought man.  I haven't seen her that happy in a long time, and no one might believe me, but I was really hoping that she was going to move out there and settle down and be happy.  Fuck, now I'm not sure what advice to give her.  She isn't happy there, she won't ask her foster parents if she can stay with them, and even though I have really bad white knight disorder, I don't think it would be a good idea for her to come back with me.  Man.... this just blows.

oooooooo chia me.

I thought that I would show off the fact that my hair is now the perfect length for me to be a chia pet.  cha cha cha mia.

So, last night I was in a movie.  Well, I was just an extra in the background of a movie, but still I was in a movie none the less.  It was a party scene in my sister's husband's movie.  I was the riddler talking to someone dressed as a ghost.  Then half way through the scene I walk off and pretend to talk to my sister (dressed as harlequen) and a cowgirl.  We were all just pretending to talk so that the mic wouldn't pick it up.  This will be his second movie.  I would like to tell you like everyone else does that his first movie was pretty good, but every time we get around to watching it there is not enough time :(  I think I may be a bad brother in law.  Oh well, I still have time to watch it before the next movie comes out. :)

After that we stayed up and played loaded question, apples to apples, and then adult loaded questions.  I must say though, with the people that were there, there wasn't much difference in the answers for the adult and the normal.  A good time was had by all.  I once again was able to use my sister to pretend that I have friends.

The next morning, I got to talk to his mom about renting out a room to me since the place is only 2 miles away from my work :)  She likes the idea, but wants me to make a decision soon as to how long I will be staying there.  Her mom is comming to visit, so I won't be able to move in until the 12th of next month, but that is only like three weeks away.  She said that I could just do week to week now until things are more official.  But I would need to make up my mind soon, because in like october she has a work friend that might want to stay there for a couple of months, and she needs to know if the room will be available or not.  Oh, I can sense that my life is about to get confusing.

I got my resume back and am redoing it a little.  I have decided that I will at least take a shot at trying to get that job that I was considering.  Now all I have to do is wait for them to post a position and I can at least try.  Even though the mother had been working there (as a part of her job) and says that she didn't think that they would be hireing.  But my sources say that there should be some openings in the next month or so.  So I won't hold my breath, but I will watch and wait.

And gaaaaa!!!!  The other day at work, I learned that one of my team mates has been saying crap behind my back about my work performance.  This is a person that everyone dislikes because of what a gossip she is, but I have been trying to be nice to her because I feel bad for her since she is going through some real hard times with her husband.  And now I find out that she is trying to talk to other team mates about my poor job performance.  These team mates have come to me and told me to watch my back because they can see I'm trying to be freinds with her.  I talked with my boss about this and he says that it is not just me, it is almost everybody that she is doing this to.  This really pisses me off because I thought we were finally getting some good team harmony going on.  And my "brother" got the tech job so he will be leaving the team next month SAD :(  Oh well, at least I am chia.

Just being so caught up in the future that I didn't live for the now.

Man, put a few twelves together with a couple of sixteens and you really get the life knocked out of you.  I'm just glad that I am in my two week workout off season. :)  Well to update, I have decided to go for the job with unbelievable hours and pay.  Yes, for about three years I will have no life.  But right now my life is just this slow mellow thing, and there are just things that I would like to get done in it before I get married and settle down.  So, I'll just have to take the baseball bat to the face for a bit.  That's Ok, it is what I'm good at.  My leads into this company have told me that some of the positions that I am looking for are opening up here within the next few months.  I know that sounds a ways away, but my ex took my computer with my resume when she left.  So on Thursday when I'm off I will hopefully put my nose to the grindstone and get it reformulated. 

This weekend we had our monthly nerd party.  Yeah Pokemon!!! OK were not that bad.  It is a computer lan party.  We thought that this one might not go so well.  We usually have 10-12 people, and this time we only had six.  But It was mainly core members, and we had fun.  Even stayed up alot later than I thought we would.  Actually one member that just kind of complicates things with some of the older members was gone.  So some people were free to be their fun loving selves.

Me and my dad went down to see the Pedestrian bridge down in Omaha.  It is pritty cool if you are comming to Omaha to see the zoo you should check it out.  It has a little water park area at the one end.  Well it is really just an area with water gizers that randomly go off.  But kids have good fun there, and I got my head soaked. :)

Oh yeah, my max outs went well.  I hit my goals in both exersises.  1 year gone.  I am getting closer to normal human strength, I can feel it.

While cleaning today something small, tiny and insignificant happened. I FOUND MY KILLERS HOT FUSS CD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!! :) :)  Now when I drive in my car I will once again be in musical bliss.  I must remember to burn it and listen to the copy so I don't ruin it.

We took a walk that night, but it wasn't the same
We had a fight on the promenade out in the rain
She said she loved me, but she had somewhere to go
She couldn't scream while I held her close
I swore I'd never let her go 
Tell me what you wanna know
Oh come on, oh come on, oh come on
There ain't no motive for this crime
Jenny was a friend of mine
So come on, oh come on, oh come on

OK, so not really lyics for kids.  So If the answer is no, can I change your mind?

Well first off, I would like to say thanks to the people that commented on my last post.  It is good to know that I'm not alone in the world.  But it is not really the answer that I was looking for.  I feel like my mind is unraveling and pieces of it our just drifting off in the distance, and people not just on LJ, people in my life are just like, don't worry, it is completely natural, everybody feels that way.  Ya but the pieces are.... hush, completely natural.  I don't know if it is because I have never truly lived alone before and this is just what happens about six months into living by yourself.  Or if I'm just going through an early mid life chirsis because I didn't go to college and that speeds along things like that.  Remember Saturday morning cartoons when you were a kid?  Me and my brother used to wake up early to watch them.  Except when he would wake up first, he wouldn't wake me up.  So sometimes I would wake up late and miss them and feel like I had missed out on life somehow.  That I had just missed something that I was supposed to expierence in my life.  I know that they were just stupid cartoons, that is not what I'm getting at.  It is just anymore.  I wake up every morning and I feel that way.  I feel like there are things that I'm supposed to be doing, people that I am suppose to know.  Maybe people that are just as sad as I am that I am suppose to be friends with, but I missed the path that I was supposed to go down, and now I don't no where these things are.  But I can feel them calling out to me.  I feel like there are important decisions I have to make in my life, but I have no refference point to make them with.  Like, my sister and her husband asked me if I want to go to Disney World with them for an entire week this winter.  The cost per person $1000.  I'm looking at this going man, this could be just an unbelivable awesome trip.  I have never even been to that area of the country.  Let alone one of the most famous parks in the world.  And I get along really well with everyone who is going on the trip.  I think it would be a blast.  But then again, 1000 bucks.  I could pay off my small credit card, and start taking my first steps into financial stability.  And here is the last kicker.  I am doing alright at my job, and might atcually move into a place for cheap only 2 miles away from it.  So that I could close up my house and try and sell it. But also in about two months.  This job will be hireing, that you need to know someone on the inside to get a job there.  This is the kind of job that pays like $20/hr and makes you work 70+ hours a week.  If I take that job within one year of starting there I could have everything I own paid off, and have my house in a position where I could severely lowball it.  Effectivly pushing the reset button on my life.  Then, I could either quit and take an easer job without the burden of my current bills.  I could work ther for one more year, and have enough money saved up to take two years off of work to try and find out what I want to do.  I could work there for two more years and have enough money to pay full tuition to a nice college, and have money left over so that I would only have to have a part time job while I was going to college.  But then again all of these options have pit falls.  Like, what am I going to college for?  I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and do I risk the next 7 yrs of my life hoping that I will figure out on the way?  I don't think taking two years off work would be a good idea, since I start to go insane sometimes just during three day weekends.  Plus If I took this job, I would have to give up a few of my hobbies that I have worked so hard on.  And I definitely wouldn't be able to go on this trip with my sister.  And what if none of these options are the right one.  You know, I'm not bad at setting a direction in my life and then putting my head down and just destroying everything in my path, but none of these options just seem like they are going to produce the results that I'm looking for.  I have all these stroies in my head that I could look for a creative outlet, so that they could finally come out, but I don't think that I want to be a story teller.  This is going to sound really dumb, I don't want to tell a beautiful story like the fifth element.  About a guy who goes off on this wonderful adventure, and along the way he conquers evil and falls in love.  I don't want to tell that story, I want to live that story.  I don't just want to sit here doing the equivalent of nothing.  But the more I look and try, the more I realize that maybe these things just don't happen in real life.  Oh man, my journal has just become a dumping ground for bad thoughts.  Yet somehow through all of this I managed to set my mood to optimistic, so I guess that makes it all better.

I guess it would be cool if I could do a lot of different things that I liked to make income.  That way they wouldn't get boring and if one slacked you would have the others.  But hopefully just surrounded by family and friends spending lots of time with them :)